when i reached kmm,i never thought that i'll fit here.then,few months went by,i still hated being in this place.
everthing around me had moved on,but my inner life was frozen still.i was not ready to get to know a person well.i never got that close to anyone in here.not that i dont have friends here,i have.but its different.what i call friend here is just to refer to someone i know,and have a couple of chats with.nothing more than a friendly conversation.i would say that i live in a pretense life.being happy while i'm not.people think that i'm their friend,but i only think that they are just a small tree in a story book.
one day,i was introduced by my classmate to a person.this particular female person was nothing more than normal.since it was our first meeting,my first impression towards her was anything but bad.to me,she was modest,and a little bit of loud.
well,in my relationship with this particular female,i learnt a lot.it takes a great deal of trust to be someone's friend.but when you gave yours,and turned out that your friend thinks your a lesbian,well,things turn like shit.the situation was more like being stabbed in the back by your own friend.but i like to think that it is like being poo-ed directly to the face.this what happened to her.yes,i pitied her.the first emotion i had in this place.but i was too ego to notice that.
the girl,sarah,and i got along well.to tell you the truth,it was because i pitied her.we hanged out oftenly.i got to know her,but i wouldnt call her my friend.it wasnt easy for me to trust anyone here.she was just a chapter of my life.
sarah has this habit of being too caring to others.she texted me in class,she asked whether i have eaten.or even just to tell one simple small thing. sometimes she annoys me,ok,i admit,almost most of the time she annoys me.i felt like being followed or to be precised,i felt like having a stalker.i was not scared,i didnt even avoid her,i just felt uneasy.to be blunt,in the early days when i first knew her,to shake off the uneasy feeling i had,i talked about her in the back.i despised myself for being a jerk.i hate talking about people in the back,especially if they think that your important to them.i symbolises this action like a rose,beautiful but it may hurt you.and if she knew,i know,it'll hurt her.and i would do anything to turn back time and take what i've said.and i stopped.i stopped talking about her because i know it was wrong.
sarah is a girl of wealth.she lives a wealthy life,she have everything in extra,foods,stationaries,toilettries,shoes,even an extra blanky.i mean EVERYTHING in extra.so,it's an advantage for me for being someone that is close to her. she shared everything she had without complaining and without whining.she even shared her own driver.i've saved a fortune by just hanging out with her.but still,i didnt accepted as a friend,eventhough she did that with an open arm.in this relationship,she loses everything while i lose nothing.this is so not a win-win situation.i felt like a parasit more than a friend.
well,now,i pitied myself.i felt sorry for myself because i couldnt move on.i felt sorry for myself because i couldnt live in the present instead,i lived in the past. i pitied myself for i couldnt open my heart to accept other people.i pitied myself because instead of being a great friend,i learnt to be a jerk.
this post is a tribute to a dear person i know,sarah.i'm sorry for ignoring your bff request in facebook.i'm sorry if i had ever hurt you with my actions and words.its not that i dont want to be your friend,but i'm still discovering myself and to trust someone is very difficult for me now.yoou're nothing but good,and its wrong for me to take advantage of you.well,i'm openning my heart now,and trying to accept you slowly.and one day,i hope that i feel you more like a friend than just a character in my stories.and oh yeah,i'm feeling less annoyed each day since the day i moved out of fish's room.thanks for everyhting.i'll say nothing more about this.